Now that it’s public knowledge that I struggle with body image and my weight, I’m allowed to do this. What I look like is my achilles heel of my otherwise exceptional [and humble] persona.
I spent the better part of my summer crying and starving and stressed over this dress:
I bought it on clearance around Christmas of last year to wear to a friend’s wedding. I was absolutely in love with it and its 70% off price-tag. When it came in the mail, it ran about a size too small, but it was December and I had til late July to fit into it so I made it my priority.
Fast forward to late June and I still couldn’t get the zipper all the way up without help and small war. I was crushed and stressed and miserable. By some small miracle, on July 25 I was able to get the zipper up (with the help of a friend) but I was not comfortable. I barely squeezed in and the cut outs on the back made me super self conscious of my “back fat”. I spent the whole night of my friends’ beautiful wedding worried about my back fat. In what insane world is that acceptable? There are no good pictures of me in this dress the day of the wedding because until I was at least 6 drinks in, I avoided the cameras unless I was sitting down, so here ya go. This is me in the dress, late July:
I was bulgy and not happy.
The next day, I realized this was crazy. This was the day I really came to terms with how severe my body image issues were. First of all, I could’ve had a wonderful (probably better) time in any dress that fit me. I had made such an ordeal out of “THE dress” and it totally wasn’t worth the stress. Had I just picked another one, my back fat wouldn’t have been a concern and I would’ve felt better. My friends had a beautiful wedding and instead of exclusively celebrating them, I was worried about what I was wearing. That’s certifiable.
Second of all, I was never putting myself through that again. It was time to make changes. Not any one size is better than any other and I’ve always said as long as you’re happy and healthy at the size you are, then bully for you. But I clearly was not. I signed up for crossfit shortly after and my transformation began, as previously discussed.
I’m not one for bragging about small milestones. I’m very much of the all-or-nothing mindset. But, today, I am exactly 1 week short of 3 months at CrossFit Jetty. Today is also the first time I’ve stepped on a scale in over a month, as the numbers early on grew to be frustrating and I felt weren’t totally representative of my progress. Also, yesterday, Pooch called me “Skinny-face” and got me wondering. This morning, out of curiosity of how much damage my recent vacation had done and curious what the hell Pooch was seeing that I wasn’t, I stepped on the scale in my kitchen and learned I was down a full 10lbs from my heaviest weight, 203lbs (A number only my doctor, family and very few friends have been privy to until right now).
Being a third of the way to my goal weight loss (30lbs) was pretty exciting but also still not representative of the inches I’ve lost since I’ve started lifting. Since I never took my official starting measurements, I figured just for fun/masochism, I’d track down this stupid dress and give it a shot.
The zipper went up without any help or struggle and there are no back bulges to be seen and I am over the moon. I hate this dress for what it did to me. I never want to wear it again but also I want to wear it everywhere because I beat it without depriving myself or making myself miserable. I’m [slowly] winning and it’s so cool.
But, it wouldn’t be possible without the Jetty family. I’d be remiss to not thank Dennis and Pooch and Mike and everyone I work out with every day (I haven’t had the chance to meet Ryan yet, but I’m sure you’re also a wonderful coach). Especially Nicole for getting me out of bed when I’m extra sleepy or it’s cold. Thank you all for pushing me and inspiring me to keep coming back. I never thought I’d be a person with “gym friends” who missed it while I was away and was genuinely excited to come back and work off all my Mickey-Mouse waffles and soft pretzels, but here I am, in this stupid dress.