First, I’m not in love. “Unrequited like” doesn’t have quite the same ring to it.
I have been in some kind of unrequited relationship since Kindergarten. I generally just care about people more than they seem to want to care about me back. I am literally loyal to a fault. I cling to sinking ships whenever I get the chance. My logic is tragically broken. I hate accepting that sometimes people just don’t like me. I understand that it makes sense. Not everyone in the world is going to work together. It’s not necessarily always the idea of not being good enough as much as it is not being right enough. Not everyone is built to fit. That’s kind of the nature of the game, I guess. However, surrendering to the idea that I can’t control every facet of my life is deeply, deeply unsettling. Why can’t I just pick out a partner as I’d pick out a pair of new boots? It’d be a lot less stressful.
Tell me “it’ll happen when you stop looking”. I dare you. I haven’t heard that one yet.
The thing is, I don’t feel like I’m looking. I don’t even know what I want. Mostly, I just want to hang out with someone who wants to hang out with me more than other people and talk to me at any and every point of every day. Preferably, someone who thinks I’m pretty and will buy me pizza sometimes. I sound like a bad HBO series. I know. But it’s true. I don’t want to answer to anyone as far as my life decisions just yet, so I’m not sure a relationship is necessarily what I’m looking for. What I definitely do want is to not let some rando dude make me feel like shit on the reg.
So, why can’t I stop?
In defense of “some rando dude” (cause let’s face it; he’s a person), he hasn’t done anything wrong. He has never been anything but honest with me. Maybe a little misleading occasionally, but never dishonest. I can hear over and over again that we’re just friends, and I still can’t manage to just let go. That isn’t his fault. It’s me kidding myself.
Not that I’m in any rush to blame society, but let’s blame society. We teach our kids that this is okay. That you can pick on the girl you like and that boys will be mean, but they still care. We show them that in the end, the “just friends” end up together. When the truth is they often don’t. I’m sure they sometimes do. I don’t actually fucking know but I can only assume that nothing ever happens 100% of the time. Where’s the movie about the “just friends” who gets left for some chick at a bar? Huh? Where?
Unrequited love, or in my case ‘like’, is neither romantic nor fun. It is the actual worst. It’s not a happy ending waiting to happen. It’s painful and it’s letting go and getting over it and moving on without any help. There’s no solace in knowing someone else is struggling just as much as you are like there is with a regular, 2-way breakup. Because they’re not. They’re just fucking peachy. It’s like a punch in the stomach on a daily basis. I am gross and unhappy basically all the time. Who thinks that’s attractive? No one. Definitely not me.
Let me be as clear as possible, no one has wronged me. This is all self inflicted. It’s like a sickness and it’s infuriating. And, I’m the only one who can fix it.
Time to break the cycle. Again. It’s time to do for me and get back to loving myself (vom. I can’t believe I just seriously said that). The truth of the matter, young ladies (and possibly gentlemen, I dunno.), is that no one will want to be around just you if you don’t even want to be around just you. Save yourself. Stop waiting around.